My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
She needs sedatives and a leash
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
