I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize