It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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