oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
