The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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