I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
