I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
