I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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