remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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