My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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