Cold hands, warm shart.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Four minutes until I can fart!
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
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