A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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