There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
