SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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