i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
