Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
