When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
