sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
