I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
