have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
