So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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