8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
