She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I think your dad took our porno
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
