im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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