Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
