He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
