When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
