Texts From Last Night · missdarcydux's Favorites

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missdarcydux's Favorites Texts:

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight

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(702): View more from Nevada

No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.

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(760): View more from California

I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.

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(206): View more from Washington

My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

(415): View more from California

Why?

(206): View more from Washington

Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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