Last Night in Texas (903)

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• (903): View more from Texas

  He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.

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• (903): View more from Texas

  She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".

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• (903): View more from Texas

  Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.

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• (903): View more from Texas

  My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.

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• (903): View more from Texas

  I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.

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  It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.

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• (903): View more from Texas

  I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.

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• (903): View more from Texas

  Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?

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• (903): View more from Texas

  I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.

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• (903): View more from Texas

  The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.

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• (903): View more from Texas

  Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay

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• (903): View more from Texas

  Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me

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• (903): View more from Texas

  Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe

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• (903): View more from Texas

  He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Can I have him when you're done?

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• (903): View more from Texas

  she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness

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