Last Night in Washington (509)

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• (509): View more from Washington

  I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg

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• (509): View more from Washington

  Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.

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• (509): View more from Washington

  I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate

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  They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.

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  I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty

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• (509): View more from Washington

  I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.

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• (509): View more from Washington

  So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"

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  I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'

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• (509): View more from Washington

  Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.

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• (509): View more from Washington

  God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number

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  So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with

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  Isn't life beautiful?

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• (509): View more from Washington

  i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron

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  Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.

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• (509): View more from Washington

  Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns

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