Last Night in New York (315)

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  So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...

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  Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.

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  Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.

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  That would explain the cannon.

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  I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.

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  I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.

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  They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?

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  She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.

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  I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams

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  I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌

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  Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk

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  Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.

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  2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.

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  Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.

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  Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face

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