I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize