Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
