I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
me + whiskey = a bad person
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Randomize
