it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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