i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
