Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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