I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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