he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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