i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
