You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
