im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Randomize
