Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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