david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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