could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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