I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize