in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
being pregnant is like rehab
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize