it hurts more in the daytime
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
