If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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