peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
