Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
