All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize