so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
