Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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