you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
