I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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